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| It could be said that a relatively positive experience can be pulled from even the darkest of situations. So it stands now. Even a bungled relationship can spark a bright spot by which one can light his way forward. Recently I learned that a friend of mine would rather strike me from her life entirely than face the dissolution of a friendship over a trivial matter. Mind you, this friend had done this once before and was forgiven, and subsequently vowed never to do so again.
To state outright, she had a partner who felt that their relationship was threatened by me. Though I assured them this was not the case, nonetheless I understood their decision and upheld my end by removing myself politely from their lives at the time of their relationship.
Then their relationship ended badly, and I was brought back into touch with her, because she needed someone. I provided that someone, just as I had done before. Forgiveness was exchanged, words were spoken, and we may have even gone too far...despite it being at her instigation. And so I kept in touch with her, checked up on her, worried for and about her. Our contact started to diminish over time, with her assurance that she was just trying to re-adjust. She was seeking professional help. She was recovering.
So here I sit after 3 months of her ignoring me. Ignoring my emails, my calls, my entirety. What hurts no, what stands out the most is that during this whole time, I was afraid for her. She was in a bad state because of these other affairs in her life, and I was doing my best to nurse her through and encourage her strength. I thought she was mentally hurt; at one point I thought she was dead. I was frightened, I had heard nothing about her for so long.
Then, last night, it all hit me like a ton of bricks. I found enough reason to believe that she was back in that same relationship. She forgot to mention anything about it to me. In fact, she might have purposefully forgotten me entirely. All the sweet words of forgiveness, of promises to never abandon again; everything we had is now worth nothing. I can only surmise that with her relationship re-established, she decided that she was better off without me in her life. She could at least let me know. Anything other than silence would have sufficed. I would have understood. I may have protested, but I would have understood. But no, she would rather just ignore me completely.
And so now I must find that bright spot - that light to guide me ahead while I forget that I ever wanted anything with her. It's so easy for me to see that anyone capable of such iniquity is not anyone I would have willingly associated with. And yet, how someone could act so selfishly is completely understandable - when it comes to happiness, nothing should stand in your way. But to renege on your assurances of the goodness of your character and the forgiving promises you made...to renege on these, not outright, but through deceit and silence...I cannot find any reason why her moral character should not be crucified.
The bright spot to guide me ahead can only be this: I know that my life is infinitely better off without this type of person in it. I am a stronger person because of this experience, and I have a more acute view of the capabilities of a thoughtless person. I am not hurt, I am disappointed. I am not mad, I am relieved.
And so once again I find myself with an arsenal of tools at my disposal to completely ruin any happiness she has. I have a sentence containing five words which, if said to the right person, could bring down her entire life and bring her to her knees. And once again I will lay my weapons down and walk away, because I have no need to destroy her; for I must uphold my moral code, though others deny theirs. I will persevere; my torch is lit and my way is clear.
And when I say that I want to see her again, I speak the truth. Because I want to smile at her, and let her know with my silence that everything is going to be fine. And I want her to know that I will persevere.
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| I want to see you again. To watch you look away as I try to meet your eye. Then I'll know that what you've done was your choice, and that you have to live with it.
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| If only you could see it from this angle
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| In response to: http://firestarsolo.xanga.com/363419902/item/
(feel free to compare)
1. When was the last time you cried? October 23 2009 (not kidding. unrelated, though)
2. Have you ever faked sick? Too much. And I skip classes
3. What was the last lie you said? "Don't worry, I'm alright with this"
4. Have you ever cried during a movie? Yes - Pay It Forward and Rent
5. Who was the last person you couldn't take your eyes off of? Pretty much every girl at OU two days ago
6. Have you ever danced in the rain? of course
7. Have you ever been drunk? yup
8. Have you ever tried drugs? yup
9. Do you smoke? not cigarettes
10. What's the farthest you've ever gone on a dare? I had sex with her
11. What is your full name? nope
12. What is your blood-type? Not sure
13. Have you ever been in a car accident? I kissed the bumper of an Altima. no damage
14. How old were you when you received your first kiss? Freshman in high school
15. Who was your first kiss? Alicia
16. Have you ever had an online relationship? Nope
17. Have you ever had phone-sex? Lol. nope
18. Have you ever been rejected by a crush? Still am, constantly
19. What is your favorite sport to play? Volleyball. And biking.
20. Have you ever made a prank phone call? Only to friends
21. Have you ever said "I Love you" and not meant it? Yes. And I'm still not sure why I said it. It sort of, slipped out of my mouth, and I didn't even realize it until after I said it.
22. What's your favorite childhood memory? All of it. Except for the people who destroyed my happiness in my childhood.
23. Is there anything that you have done that you regret? I have made amends for all my regrets, and have none.
24. What do you want to be when you grow up? Content.
25. What is your political persuasion? I quit politics
26. Have you ever had cybersex? No
27. Do you believe in god? Ask me again tomorrow, again.
28. Do you believe in love at first sight? Only happens to some other person
29. Do you believe in karma? Nope
30. Who was your first crush? Miss Toni. And I was like, 7.
31. Who do you have a crush on? It doesn't matter; she has no interest in me.
32. How would you describe yourself? I let my friends do that for me.
33. What are you afraid of? Poverty and loneliness
34. Are you religious? No
35. What does your screen name mean? Uh, JP is my initials, solo is for Han Solo and for the fact that I’m more of a recluse than I admit to be, and 1
36. What person do you trust the most? Myself
37. Who was your first boyfriend/girlfriend? Alicia!
38. What is the best compliment you have ever received? You're the nicest guy I've ever met.
39. What is the meanest thing anyone has said about you? "You killed my happiness"
40. What is the longest crush/relationship you have had? Ashley; six months-ish.
41. What is your greatest strength? Personal Skills
42. What is your greatest weakness?
43. What is your perfect pizza? Manny’s Pizza, New Smyrna Beach, Florida. ‘Nuff said. Or Donato's pepperoni pizza, thin crust, easy on the sauce
44. What is your first thought when waking up in the morning? "Oh no, not again”
45. What is your first thought before you go to bed? “I wonder if I can skip class tomorrow”
46. What college do you want to go to? I graduate in December
47. Do you get along with your family? Yell hes.
48. Do you play any instruments? Trumpet and Piano.
49. What kind of music do you like? Anything. Though I prefer jazz/classical with trumpets
50. Do you think you're attractive? Absolutely not. Which according to common knowledge therefore MAKES me unattractive
51. Would you ever get a tattoo? Possibly
52. How many piercing do you have? None.
53. Who makes you laugh? Everything.
54. Who would you want to be tied to for 24 hours? Someone I find attractive.
55. Have you ever seen a dead body? I thought I did, but he was revived at the hospital. (At the beach, some guy pretty much drowned)
56. Do you have a celebrity crush? Keira Knightley? Emma Watson? But of course, that's purely carnal. :3
57. What is one thing scientists should invent? I don't know but it better make me a lot of money
58. Have you ever broken a bone? Just the obligatory pinky fingers
59. What happens after you die? You’re dead.
60. Do you watch or read the news? Never. Moreover, I make a priority to avoid anything political.
61. What stereotype would you label yourself as being? Intellectual
62. Would your friends agree with that stereotype or label? Yeah
63. If you could change your name, what would you change it to? Tittles McGriddles
64. If you could go back in time to one point in your life, where would you go? Middle school. To tell myself that everything is going to be alright.
65. If you could change anything about yourself, what would you change? Increase my control of my emotions
66. Have you ever gone skinny dipping? nope
67. Have you ever played strip poker? nope
68. Would you ever lie to someone to make them feel good about themselves? No.
69. What do you want your friends to think about you? Reliable; Trustworthy; Friendly
70. What’s the biggest argument you've ever gotten into? Political discussion with my fundamentalist cousin
71. Have you ever bitten someone? Om nom nom
72. When's your birthday? September 23. 1986.
73. Have you ever stolen anything? Anyone that has broadband has.
74. Do you make wishes on shooting stars? I don't wish anymore. I only act.
75. What’s the most you've ever eaten in one sitting? An entire large pizza.
76. If you could go back and change one day, what day would it be? I wouldn't.
77. Do you remember your dreams? I've remembered a lot more of my dreams lately.
78. Have you ever been in love? Yeah.
79. Are you a morning person or a night person? Night person
80. Do you have any phobias? No
81. What's the meanest thing you've ever done to someone? Ask Cheryl. Still.
82. Have you ever been to the hospital (other than birth)? Yeah, but it was for lame things, like seeing if my bone is broken, or if I’m suicidal. rofl.
83. How many screen names do you have? A few
84. Do any medical problems run in your family? Not that I’m aware of
85. Have anyone ever been disowned from your family? Dispwned!
86. Have you ever had a nightmare? Two. Ever. The first was a chihuahua jumping over my upright legs while I lay on my back on a set of stairs and eating my heart, and the other was me peeing in a bathroom stall and having someone grab my legs from underneath the stall door. I woke up and my heart was racing and I freaked out and it was awesome! I want to have more.
87. Do you say mean things to your friends or your enemies? I don't have enemies
88. Would you ever participate in a threesome? Yeah
89. Would you ever pay for a prostitute? Nah.
90. Have you ever mooned or flashed someone? I mooned a bus full of kids.
91. Have you ever cheated on your bf/gf? Never.
92. Have you ever laughed so hard you peed in your pants? Nope
93. Have you ever written a love letter? Yup
94. Have you ever attempted suicide? Attempted no, thought about it yes, ruled it out as lame, yes
95. Do you prefer boxers or briefs? b0xx0rz
96. Have you ever been in a fist fight? no
97. Do you have any hidden talents?
98. What is one thing you want me to know about you? Define “me”
99. What is one question you wouldn't want me to ask? Again, define “me.”
100. Do you usually prefer books or movies? BOOKS
101. Who is your favorite person to talk to? I don't have anyone like that anymore.
102. Who is always able to cheer you up when you're sad? This advice book that I found. It carries me through.
103. Would you ever have sex before marriage? Already did.
104. Who do you talk to most on the phone? I STILL absolutely hate the telephone.
105. Do you have a secret that you’re ashamed of? I do. It's emasculating.
106. Do you prefer British or American spelling of words? British
107. Have you ever gotten a detention? Ask Mr. Spice. And only once for some random thing in high school; I don't remember why.
108. How do you vent your anger? I remember that in the scheme of things, it really makes no difference if I feel angry. In fact, it usually hurts things. So I shouldn't be angry at all.
109. Have you ever been on a diet? Kinda
110. Would you ever date someone younger than you? Older than you? Anything legal!
111. Is your best friend a virgin? He sure is.
112. What's a rumor someone has spread about you? That I’m gay.
113. What's the kinkiest thing you could ever actually see yourself as doing? :3
114. What's the meanest thing anyone has ever done to you? The people I grew up with made me a cynic.
115. What's the nicest thing anyone has ever done for you? Gave me life
116. Have you ever been diagnosed with a mental illness? Yeah, it's called "Intelligence" and it isn't respected anymore.
117. Have you ever cut yourself on purpose? No
118. Have you ever wanted to murder someone? Absolutely. Who hasn’t? But it's more fun to torture. Better to make them suffer as opposed to the quick release of death.
119. Have you ever hated someone? Yes.
120. Do you prefer talking on the phone or online? ONLINE. Thx. But in person is still better. I learned this a tidge too late.
121. Do you consider yourself popular? It doesn't matter to me anymore.
122. Would you ever tell the person you have a crush on that you like them? I usually make it so blatantly obvious that they notice and reject me outright.
123. Have you ever had a crush on an enemy? I don’t have an enemy.
124. Have you ever had a crush on a best friend? Yup ^.^
125. What is your favorite book? Dale Carnegie. and Ayn Rand.
126. Do you have a collection of anything? Coins, Star Wars stuff, toys, etc.
127. Are you happy with the person you are becoming? Absolutely.
128. Are you a different person now then you were 5 years ago? Yes. for the better.
129. What do you see yourself as being in 5 years from now? Better than now.
130. Are you happy with the life you have? I make it what I want.
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| "There is nothing more foolish and cowardly than to be beaten down by a sorrow which nothing we can do will change."
T.R.
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True